I have a plan of sorts for this blog, a schedule of things I will include here. On my schedule, Thursday is a day that I will talk about my life or the events going on in it; good or bad.
On this first entry it hurts me to say that I lost my father 6 days ago. Dad's passing was expected and unexpected at the same time. Expected only because he had had several close calls medically speaking over the last few years, all of which he had bouced out of unscathed. Expected because he was nearing his 74th birthday. Expected because I felt that since my mother passed 9 years ago he had secretly wanted to follow her-to find a way to somehow make things as they were before she died and left him all alone. Expected because it was my worst fear come true, to be parentless.
But it was unexpected too. Dad had phoned me daily for the last few years. Last Friday he didn't. In the afternoon hours as I reached for the phone to call him it rang. I got the news that he was in the hospital in ICU, 5 hours later he was gone. That was it, it was over. No second chances, no medical miracles, no goodbyes...just over. As I write this I'm trying to stay focused on the good times, the laughter, the Christmas mornings as a child, the talks we had after I was grown. I'm also trying to make myself believe it's true, because somehow no matter what I say I don't think I really do believe it. It can't be true. It can't be so suddenly final.
I smile through tears when I remember his face; how much he loved lemon pie and cheese enchiladas, history, TV news and reading western books.
I openly sob when I recall the sad times when my Mom passed and took a large piece of him with her and when I recall his eyes when he was afraid or lonely. In some ways I think he willed himself to her, to recapture what he'd lost with her. Somehow I think he made it. I hope so. I hope that they're having coffee somewhere. Dads telling Mom about the Clutch Bags I make for my shop. Mom is saying how proud she is and saying for the 1000th time how strange it is that out of 4 daughters that I was the only one that wanted to learn to sew. I can accept this pain if they're together again so I'll believe it's true. Pour a fresh cup Mom and Dad, you've got a lot of catching up to do. I love you both more than you ever knew and I will miss you forever.